I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m recovering from yet another chest infection, back at work so dealing with a repetition of the work issues that plagued me over the last year or so and I’ve also recently discovered that my vitamin D levels are low. This has no doubt contributed to my recent chest infection and my ability to recover.
I feel exhausted. I’m drained. I have no energy. I feel really down too – all symptoms of vitamin D deficiency. I’m on a 6 week course of high strength vitamin D capsules after which my GP will run more blood tests to determine what, if any, follow up is needed.
Being honest, anxiety and depression are kicking my ass at the moment and I don’t have the energy to fight back. I feel like I’m trying to tread water, keep my head above the water but what I actually want to do is sink under the water. It feels like everything is calmer and quieter under the water.
I desperately want peace and quiet. I want to escape my overactive mind. The anxiety about being back at work, my manager on my case, all the things I need to get done, feeling like I’m being constantly scrutinized, them waiting for me to make another mistake, to trip up. Their total lack of understanding about the impact of my mental health on my work. The complete lack of trust I have in them. Their complete inability to understand why I need support and the strong sense of resentment they give off in relation that (thankfully) my employer is following the recommendations of their Occupational Health Doctor.
I’ve bought a couple of new tops to cheer myself up and met a friend for coffee and a catch up. I’ve painted my nails in a bright colour. I’m trying to fight my desire to withdraw into myself. The miserable weather isn’t helping…all the rain, hail and wind makes it difficult to get out and about. It also makes me want to curl up and hibernate till better weather comes.
I feel very short tempered and narky. Little things are irritating me and my tolerance levels are low. When I’m well, I’m very patient and it takes a lot to make me lose my cool. At the moment, I feel on the edge of flying off the handle.
I’m 2 weeks into my course of high strength vitamin D. I don’t honestly feel any different. I know it’s early days and there are other factors at play. I know I need to be patient. I’m just tired of feeling tired all the time. I’m fed up of feeling anxious and depressed. I miss the old me. I know she’s still here, she’s just having a tough time right now.
