I find myself single again. Last week, my now ex boyfriend told me that continuing our relationship when he couldn’t make time to spend with me wasn’t fair on me. I did not see this coming. I figured that once his work schedule change, things would get better.
A week on, we are now engaged in a game of cat and mouse. Having decided that he can not be in a relationship, we have discussed our obvious physical attraction to each other and likelihood that if we did meet up as friends, that we would end us as friends with benefits. There have been messages back and forth.
I’m torn. I still love him. He says that his feelings for me haven’t changed. He is adamant that he cannot have a relationship. I’m forty and my biological clock is ticking like crazy. I thought I’d found the father of my children, my soulmate. I’m too old to play games.
The thought of having to get back out there on the dating scene makes me feel sick. I know right now I’m nowhere near ready. Thinking back to before my ex and I met when I was using a dating app is really depressing. So many game players and men just looking for casual sex. All human life was there. While my stories of dating were amusing to my friends, I found it soul destroying. I was at the point of giving up when my ex and I started messaging. We clicked instantly.
I knew that having a relationship with someone who has a child from a previous relationship would be a challenge. It was never a problem. I did get frustrated that we couldn’t spend more time together on occasion. I did find it concerning that his ex is controlling but I never for a second thought that we wouldn’t be able to find a way to be together.
I genuinely thought that we’d move our relationship forward, looking at moving in together. Especially since he recently secured a permanent job. I am questioning how I could’ve got the situation so wrong? I know that it’s early days and I need to grieve. I just really don’t want to be in this situation.
I feel far from my sassy self. I feel cheated of a future that I’d allowed myself to dream of. I feel foolish. I feel really sad. I feel hurt. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I feel alone. I feel like a failure. I also miss him like crazy.
I know I need to be kind to myself. I know I need to take time to heal. I know I need time. I know I need to keep myself busy and go easy on myself.
