Sleep and Anxiety

My sleep is terrible. I’m permanently tired. If I do have a night where I sleep well, it’s because I took a sleeping tablet. I don’t do it often because they can be addictive and I don’t need any other issues. I know it’s not sleep. It’s chemical but desperate times and all that. I don’t like the drowsiness the following morning and feeling of my brain being foggy. The tiredness itself makes me feel foggy minded, I don’t need any chemical help in that area.

At the moment, it’s like I’m scared to close my eyes and don’t want to be in bed on my own. I live on my own so if my boyfriend isn’t staying then my cat is asleep on my bed with me. My nightmares and bizarre dreams are sadly par for the course so I expect it but the whole being on my own thing is a new worry. I’ve lived on my own before so it’s not like it’s a new experience or something that phases me. My cat is always by my side so I’m never on my own. I like my own company.

I’m security conscious so I know that I am secure. My doors are locked, my windows too. (I have my fire safety plan and know my planned/ potential escape routes in the event of a fire.) I feel safe in my home. It’s fairly quiet where I live – Covid restrictions being lifted aside. (Noisy drunk people at pub chucking out time.)

I’m worried about my financial situation and ongoing job hunt. I know that I have to keep going and I know I will find a new job. I will start earning again and I will improve my financial situation. It’s been slow going in January but hopefully things will pick up in February and I’ll get my new start. This does effect my sleep but again it is nothing new and there’s been no change or reason that it would cause my sleep to deterioarate further.

I will admit that I am still shaken after my cat was in a fight just over a week ago. Every time I stroke him I can feel the scabs that have formed over his wounds and the scratch on his lower eyelid is more visible now that he is no longer keeping it closed. My cat is now not allowed out when it is dark but I do remain anxious when he is out during the day and I do check his breathing when he sleeps during the day. He is perfectly healthy, eats well and gets lots of love so I have no reason to be worried but that doesn’t stop me. I need to remind myself that thoughts are not facts and my cat rarely fights so he us unlikely to stop breathing or suddenly become unwell.

I do try to have good sleep hygiene. I wash my bedding weekly at 60 degrees (the joys of asthma) and I have a Tisserand sleep spray that is very soothing. Where I could make positive changes is around my mobile phone. I have it beside my bed and if I wake early, I will spend time scrolling. That needs to stop as the blue light is not helping me. Starting tonight, my phone will not be beside my bed and will not be in easy reach if I wake.

I also need to get back into having a bed time. I don’t stay up very late but the time I go to bed varies. It was 12:30am last night, well really this morning. When I was working, I used to go to bed at 10pm. I need to get back to that. The alarm on my phone goes off at 8am and I regularly turn it off and go back to sleep. That isn’t helping me either.

I am so tired of always feeling tired. I’m sluggish. It’s nowhere near time for bed and I’m already worrying about whether I’ll sleep tonight. Being tired always makes me feel emotional too. I literally feel like I could burst into tears. I just need to make the changes and reassure myself that sleep will come. Hopefully.