After being on sick leave for most of this year, I’m about to return to work. My anxiety levels are rising, despite my efforts to calm myself and distract myself. In all honesty, I feel sick to my stomach. I am dreading it.
I’ve been in the same line of work pretty much since I graduated. I have a wealth of experience. I am good at my job. Trouble is, I’m going right back to the same shit that in effect broke me.
I am seriously questioning myself asking why I am about to put myself back in that situation? The answer is money. I have bills to pay and need to be earning.
I have no confidence that my manager will recognise the impact my mental health had and has on me. I’m a trusting person but once I feel that my trust has been broken, there is no way back. Nothing will change my mind.
I’m trying to keep an open mind. I’m trying to focus on how far I’ve come in the last year but I can’t ignore my gut. I trust my gut and it has never let me down.
I know that I am stronger than I was this time last year. Speaking my truth a few weeks ago did me a power of good. Trouble is, I don’t feel that what I said was taken seriously. It was listened to, but on reflection, I feel it was brushed aside.
I am writing this and am very aware of the effect my anxiety has on my thinking. I am trying to challenge my anxious thinking. Trying to stay positive. Telling myself that I am good at my job despite what my manager may think.
I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me. I have to stay strong. I am better than this. It is after all, only a job. Trouble is, I give a lot of myself to my job. It is a positive in some senses but it can leave me drained. I don’t know how to do my job any other way. I have to be more mindful in relation to my wellbeing.
I have to toughen up in the sense of not taking criticism to heart. I never used to take things so personally, I can’t pinpoint when that changed or why? Then again, there is a world of difference between balanced, constructive criticism and criticism that feels unfair.
I’m going back to a situation where I have to prove myself to my managers satisfaction or face disciplinary action. It feels very humiliating at this point in my life to be dealing with this.
This time however, I will be forewarned in that I know how my manager operates. If I don’t feel that I am being treated fairly, I will make a formal complaint. In hindsight, I should’ve done this months ago, but we live and learn. I just really hope that I haven’t shot myself in the foot by not doing so.
Only time will tell if I’m doing the right thing. One thing I do know, I have to take back my power. I have to find a way to continue to speak my truth and be assertive. I am not the same person as I was last year.
When all is said and done, all I can do is my best. If that’s not enough then that’s really not my problem.
