As you know, I’m back at work after a lengthy absence. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did; taking my time and listening to my body. I mean really listening to my body. I’ve learned that antibiotics work faster if you rest rather than push through, taking a few days off if necessary. This time was different. Physically my body was ready months ago, mentally it was quite a different story. I am so glad that I properly listened to my body and gave myself time to rest, recuperate and heal. I went back to work when the time was right for me…had I gone back even a few weeks ago, I can see how it wouldn’t have been right.
I had a moment the other day, updating my manager when I realised that I was standing tall, shoulders back, hand on hip, all about my business and I knew I was back. I also knew in that moment, that the tables had turned. My power is back and I owned my space. I was in control. Never again will I be on the back foot. Pity help anyone that tries to put me down, it just won’t happen.
I have learned a lot about myself too. I was diagnosed with PTSD a number of years ago following 2 car accidents, I knew I wasn’t right. It took time and medication but I got back to me again. It gave me some insight into mental health, how it can be affected and how it effected me. This time was totally different. I couldn’t face going back to work but I didn’t realise the extent to which I was affected. I kind of knew that I was struggling but I had no idea how unwell I truly was.
I’m still taking it one day at a time. I’m still taking my medication. I’m definitely listening to my body still. I’m enjoying feeling like me again. I’m getting stronger. I’m certainly a hell of a lot wiser. I still have moments where I gain further clarity and insight into how unwell I was. Some of my behaviour was totally out of character but I didn’t see it at the time, let alone join the dots to realise that all was not well. Looking back, I was going through the motions but I was an empty shell. I was totally burnt out. I was defeated. I had nothing left. The benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I do really feel like I’m out the other side. That’s not to say that I can’t or won’t slip back but I feel like I’ll be far better able to recognise if things are starting to slip. I feel like I know myself better. My smile is back. I’ve got my sass back. This time, its here to stay!
