This is how I feel. I guess its better than feeling trapped which I was feeling but its still not a good feeling.
I need to get unstuck so I can move forward. I’m still following my employers timeline. I need that chapter to be closed to allow me to move on. I haven’t the headspace to do both. I also need the reassurance of a reference so I can move on.
This has been going on for far too long and I need it to be done. I need the certainty of conclusion so I can really focus on rebuilding me. I’m trying but its always there. Always hanging over me.
I need to be free. I think I also need the pressure to focus me on job hunting. I feel a bit lost. I really don’t know what I want to do. I want a complete change. I want an easy life – go to work, do my shift and leave it behind me at hometime.
I feel overwhelmed when I look and then am riddled with self-doubt when it comes to applications. I don’t believe in myself. I know it’s because of the impact of the bullying but it’s hard to sell myself in applications when I’m not really sure I believe what I’m writing. If I was to be interviewed, how could I convince an interview panel that I am the best candidate for the job when I don’t believe it myself.
My anxiety is having a field day. I’m trying not to let it rule my life but it’s a battle. I’m so used to being in control. To knowing what direction I’m going and where I see my career heading. Now I don’t. I’ve been so sure of my next move all my life: pass my exams, go to university, graduate and embark on my career. Even when my career has changed direction, I’ve always had the courage of my convictions and pursued all of the opportunities as they have presented themselves.
This uncertainty and feeling of being stuck is so alien to me. I’m so used to having the answers or knowing where to go to find the information that’s required. My role has always been that of the professional who is in control and knows what they’re doing! That’s certainly not me right now. It’s like all of that confidence and competence has deserted me! I don’t like it. Add my anxiety into the mix and I feel powerless and almost paralysed with fear. It’s incredibly debilitating and frustrating and exhausting.
All I can do is my best and be kind to myself. I’ve been through a traumatic experience and its no wonder that it has knocked my confidence and caused me to battle with anxiety and self-doubt. This too will pass. There was a time that I thought I would never find the courage and strength to make a formal complaint of bullying, but I did. Feeling lost is not going to last forever, I will find my way again and regain my confidence. I just need to take it one day at a time and breathe.
