I’m struggling. My anxiety is through the roof. My sleep is disturbed. I just want to withdraw from the world. I know that I need to take action to resolve my work situation but I just can’t face it. I had a difficult conversation with my family at the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, they are very supportive but I’m feeling pressured to take action. Maybe it is the push I need because I can’t keep living in limbo, but I feel its too much. I’m scared of what will happen. I know that avoiding the issue is a maladaptive way to cope but it feels safe right now.
Added to that, I have huge guilt because I feel that I’m letting my family down and not doing what I’ve been told to do. I feel like I’m disappointing them and that feels like a punch in the gut. I feel like I’m messing things up. I did try, I spent hours reconnecting my printer to my Wifi after changing provider and am waiting on new ink to be delivered. I also had to redownload Word to my phone – it won’t work on my ipad as my operating system isn’t up to date enough. (It’s as up to date as the upgrades will allow. I can’t win!) This has all added to my feelings of guilt, anxiety and stress.
I’m dreading my next phone call with my family, especially if I haven’t made any progress. I don’t want my reasons to be seen as excuses. I don’t want to cause further disappointment or feel any more guilt. I really don’t feel good about myself right now. I’m 41. I should have my shit together. I should have savings. I should have the confidence to be able to take control of my life. Who knows, maybe if it wasn’t for anxiety and depression, I would be all those things?! My self-esteem is low and I’m finding it very difficult to be kind to myself. All I can do is try.
