My experience of workplace bullying

After the report into bullying allegations against Priti Patel being delayed/ buried for months and the revelations this evening that her bullying behaviour was “unintentional” and so she likely won’t face any consequences, I feel compelled to share my feelings and experience. I am incandescent with rage. She knew exactly what she was doing and how she was behaving, so to minimise it and condone it is utter bullshit.

I have experienced bullying as an adult. I was bullied at work by my supervisor. The impact on me was and still is enormous. My tormentor knew exactly what they were doing. They were in full control of their behaviour. I also know that they have done it before. They were still in their post and still in that position of power that allowed them to bully me.

It took me a hell of a long time to feel strong enough to make a formal complaint. I was terrified. I was convinced that I wouldn’t be believed. I was scared of their being negative consequences for me because I complained. I’ve submitted it now but it was many many months in the making.

I did highlight some concerns to HR last year but it was all very informal. Things did get a bit better, actually on reflection they didn’t. I was still required to meet my manager every two weeks to discuss my job performance. I was still very much in the weaker position and still at the mercy of my tormentor. Sure enough, they reverted to type and went back to their bullying ways. I didn’t see it coming and it floored me. I went back to that very dark place mentally.

Let me take you back to when this all first started. At the time my relationship was difficult and I had been prescribed anti-depressants. My supervisor was fully aware of this. I was settling into a new job and adapting to a different management style. Learning my supervisor’s ways of working and those were the things that were being highlighted. It was little things at first. I took it all on board and tried my best. I made mistakes and tried to learn from them and do better.

This continued for a year or so and then things really kicked up a gear. There were more and more things that were being highlighted to me that I was getting wrong. I just couldn’t do right for doing wrong. (Alongside this my relationship ended and I really struggled with that.) It all culminated with a report highlighting my failings being compiled and shared with very senior managers before it was shared with me. It listed every i that I hadn’t dotted and every t I hadn’t crossed over a two year period.

The sharing of the report took place one December morning over a period of three hours. I spent the entire time in tears. Not only was my work practice questioned, my personality and social skills were also called into question. I went to my GP and the dosage of my anti-depressants was increased. I felt humiliated. I have no idea now why I didn’t just get up and walk out but I didn’t.

My confidence was through the floor. I was totally convinced that I was a fraud and that I was bad at my job. My mental health was in tatters. I was scared of going to work. I dreaded my alarm going off every morning. There were mornings that I was physically sick before going into work. It’s no wonder my work performance suffered. I was living on my nerves and in fear of my supervisor. I had no escape.

It got worse as our meetings then increased in frequency to weekly. This was to “support” me to improve my work performance. The harder I worked the worse things got. It didn’t matter what I did, I was never able to reach the standard required by my supervisor. I was completely exhausted, all of my energy was directed into improving my work and still presenting as happy, smiley and positive.

Things eventually came to a head when my physical health suffered to the point that I was signed off sick. The feeling of relief was huge. I’d been trying to keep my head above water for so long and to stop having to do that was bliss. My family knew that I wasn’t myself and something wasn’t right but it took me a long time to tell them what had been going on. I was embarrassed. I felt like I was a failure and it has taken me a long time and validation from several professionals to realise that I was the one being wronged. I’m human and part of being human is making mistakes and learning from them. It is also about having life stuff happen and not having to be superhuman and unaffected by it. If someone goes to the extent of listing every little error and using them against you, that says everything about them. It also shows you the piece of work I was dealing with. It was just at the point I went out sick that I first contacted HR.

All in all, I was out sick for around 8 months. During that time, I engaged with Occupational Health, which started to reassure me that I was human and as such my life events had impacted me and therefore my work. I started to rebuild my confidence and my mental health.

Before returning to work, I met with the HR manager and my supervisor. That was the first time that I felt strong enough to start to challenge my mistreatment and speak my truth. In hindsight, alarm bells should have started to ring when – despite feedback from Occupational Health that those previous ‘concerns’ should not be present going forward – my supervisor stated that they still had those concerns and they would still be on the agenda upon my return to work.

Hindsight and the benefits of counselling are marvellous things. A leopard cannot change their spots and true to form my supervisor reverted to type. This time it is different. This time I am angry. This time, I have made a formal complaint. This time I will fight my corner and stand up to the bully. They have shown me their true colours. I believe them, now it’s time for me to show my grit. Time to stand up for my rights. I have suffered so much emotionally and financially because of their behaviour. No more. I deserve better.

As far as I’m concerned there should be a zero tolerance policy towards bullying so lets see if the anti-bullying policy my employer follows is just fine words or if they will take action. I am a big believer in karma so my supervisor will absolutely get what they deserve one way or another.

My mental health is still very much a work in progress. My anxiety is off the charts and I am about undergo a mental health assessment and review of the medication I am currently taking. I have cried bitter tears while writing this but, it is a subject I am passionate about. I wish it was something I had no experience of but I intend to use it for good. It very nearly destroyed me but I know that it will make me stronger moving forward whatever the outcome.