I am not good at this. If I’ve invested myself in something whether it is a job or a relationship, I really really struggle to let go and move on.
The logical part of me knows that staying in my toxic workplace is not an option. It has trashed my confidence and mental health. I know that I deserve better. So why am I finding it hard to let go?
What is it that I’m holding on to? I’ll keep in touch with my colleagues and I’m hopefully going to remain working in my geographical location. So what does that leave? A toxic work environment and a bully boss who has trashed my confidence. I should be running as fast as possible away from that and not looking back.
I think what I’m struggling with, is how disappointed I am in the organisation that I work for. I expected better of them. My bully boss disguised her bullying as concerns about my work performance. Despite several medical professionals stating that my work situation (i.e. being bullied) was the cause of my anxiety, the organisation decided not to pay any attention to them and refused to transfer me. I’m shocked at the hypocrisy of what they say they believe in and how they have treated me and my poor mental health. Three things I cannot abide: bullies, liars and hypocrites.
My ego is bruised but I’ll get over that. I am not who my bully boss thinks I am. I am way better than that and deserve better. Being physically sick before going to work is seriously unhealthy. Dreading seeing the boss’s car in the car park is not normal yet before Covid-19, that was my reality.
I am anxious about giving up a permanent job but I cannot return to that toxicity. I’d rather have less job security and be happy. Life’s too short to be miserable and I don’t live to work. (Not to mention that my GP will not sign me fit to go back there!) I was good at my job and that is what I’m going to use to sustain me moving on. I have been successful in the last interviews I have attended. I am worried about having to ask the toxic boss for a reference even though I know legally they cannot write a bad reference.
I have to have faith that my skills and qualities will shine through. I have to stop doubting myself. It is something that I’ve always battled with but at the moment my self-doubt like my anxiety is through the roof. I am trying so hard to move forwards and buold myself back up but it feels like every time I take a step forward, the rug is pulled out from under me. At least there is nothing else that they can disappoint me with.
I’m allowing myself to feel my emotions and accept them for what they are. I am better than than and deserve better. I’ve spent far too long trying to fit in and make myself smaller to suit my bully. No more. I will take up my own space, move on and flourish. After all, I have nothing to hide. I have always owned my mistakes and shortcomings. I’m not the one who has to look over their shoulder worrying when they’ll get caught/ found out. And she will get found out. I’m a firm believer in karma.
Onwards and upwards! Look out world, I am coming. I hope you’re ready for me?!
