I’ve been off sick with stress, anxiety and depression following on from a sinus infection and how it impacted my asthma since May. I’m feeling a lot better, more like me again. I’m still not there yet but I’m a hell of a lot better than I was even this time last year.
The thing is, I need to get back to work. Financially, I’ve spent my contingency and can no longer borrow or create more debt for myself by extending my overdraft or applying for another credit card. Been there maxed out those options.
I’ve never been in this situation before. I’ve always had at least half pay in addition to my illness benefit. Not this time, its been months since I exhausted my sick pay entitlement and €203 weekly barely covers the bills. I’ve been doing online surveys to try and supplement my income but it certainly won’t let me retire/ give up work anytime soon!
I know what I’m going back to…basically the same shit that caused me to get stressed out in the first place. I’m really not sure I can face it. I’ve been job hunting but nothing pays as well as my current job. I have a lot of experience. The thought of identifying my transferrable skills and starting again terrifies me.
While I’m getting on top of my anxiety, my confidence is still on the floor. I hate selling myself at the best of times but I’m really not sure I’d be able for it right now.
So, I need to go back to the madness. I’m dreading it. Nothing is resolved with my manager. The issues are still there. I just need to suck it up. I can’t afford not to. I’ve been in my bubble for a long time. I’ve chosen when I’ve gone out – medical appointments excepted.
I can feel myself falling back into my old habits, my weight has shot up as I’m eating treats and sweets. I’m walking less and my clothes are getting tighter not looser. I can’t seem to muster the motivation to get off my ass and shift my excess weight.
While I have decided to try and avoid the news as it is so bleak is positive. I know that by deciding to immerse myself in the glitter and sparkle of Christmas is another way of avoiding reality. I know my boyfriend is supporting me and is being very reassuring. There’s nothing for it other than to bite the bullet and get back on the horse.
I just need to remember not to let the buggers get me down. I can do my job. I’m good at my job. I wasn’t well and I recognise that now. I also need to find a way to be assertive and rise above any shit that is sent my way. If it all gets too much, I can request another appointment with the Occupational Therapist or apply for a transfer.
The consultant who is monitoring my blood pressure and stress levels has also offered any additional support that I may need. I have lots of support and people on my side…unfortunately it is me who has to walk back through the door and do it!
So the next week will be spent psyching myself up and mentally preparing myself to step out of my bubble and get back to reality. Wish me luck!
