A lot has changed since my last post. I am now free having resigned from my job. Actually resigning caused me huge anxiety. It took me a long time first to compose and then to send the email.
I hadn’t expected to have that reaction. Several months ago, I would have resigned in a heartbeat and no doubt in a fit of pique as I was so angry about the whole situation. Instead I was anxious before, during and after the email was sent. Even sitting down to compose the email was a challenge. I felt physically sick and my heart was thumping in my chest. It was a huge relief to receive the acknowledgement of receipt of my resignation.
I have completed my notice period and feel that I am better able to focus on job hunting. I can concentrate on applications and preparing for interviews. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m actually starting to believe in myself, my skills, knowledge and my achievements again. It has been a very long time coming.
Sadly, I’m also learning how to deal with rejection. It’s been a long time since I was last rejected for a job that I had applied for. Before now, since 2004 I had been successful with my applications for new jobs or in applying for promotion. I hadn’t been unsuccessful since those early days in my career when you’re caught in the problem of needing the experience to get the job but needing the job to get the experience.
I’d love to be able to tell you that I’m unaffected by the lack of success, but I’d be lying. One recent “failure” has hit me particularly hard. I wanted that job so badly. I invested a lot of time, thought and effort into my application and both of the interviews. It was one on my first two stage interviews and it was intense. I had a good feeling about it and (perhaps naïvely) let myself believe that I had been successful. To get the “thanks but no thanks” email, really felt like a kick in the teeth.
Not only does it knock my confidence that I’m still working hard to re-build but it has seriously ramped up the financial pressure that I was already under. It’s two weeks till Christmas and on the job front, there are slim pickings. This increases my anxiety that while not fully under control, I had started to have a lot more good days than bad. I do still have nightmares but they’re more on the having to sit an exam without having done any revision level, than my previous nightmares where I was literally fighting for my life.
I had another one of those fighting for my life nightmares last night. I say one but really it was one long night of nightmares that all involved me fighting to stay alive. I’d wake dripping in sweat or talking in my sleep, reassure myself that I was safe and nothing could harm me and then fall back to sleep to face another terrifying nightmare. This leaves me tired and with my emotions very close to the surface.
I know that I am still healing and recovering from the trauma I experienced in my last job. I know that I will come back stronger, more resilient and with firmer boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate in terms of treatment in the workplace. I also know that the right job is out there and that all the setbacks and rejections will be worth it when the day comes that I am successful and am being offered the job that is meant for me. I just hope that day comes soon!
