Today has seen the unwelcome return of anxiety. It started with a feeling of unease that I couldn’t quite identify the cause and spiraled from there. Actually, thinking about it a bit more, it started last night when I was feeling a bit insecure.
I hate having anxiety. Not the low level anxiety, that I can deal with. I’m talking about the kind that sneaks up on you and takes control. The anxiety that overwhelms you. It starts with a feeling of unease and very quickly is replaced with an impending sense of doom.
It took me unawares earlier. All I was doing was having a shower before doing a food shop. I noticed that my brain was jumping to different tasks, it was hard to stay focused on just one thing. My brain was jumping ahead to appointments in my diary on Wednesday. I was getting my words mixed up.
I tried to breathe and stay calm. My hands were shaking. I tried to do one small task at a time. I was getting distracted. I tried to put my necklace on, my hands were shaking too much when I realised that I didn’t know where the matching earrings were. I found them and put the, back in their box. I was being clumsy and felt uncoordinated. I dropped them several times before getting them back in their box.
My legs felt like jelly but I needed to go shopping. I stuck to what was on my list. I was super focussed and got in and out quickly. The person serving me asked how I was? I replied “grand thank you.” In my head I said, I’m having an anxiety attack, my heart is pounding and I could happily be sick.
I got back into the car, the radio was giving commentary on the Munster rugby match. I found it very soothing. It gave me something else to think about. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. I drove the scenic route home. I felt a bit calmer.
I’m still in a heightened state of alert but I no longer feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. My legs no longer feel like jelly and my hands are no longer shaking. I do still feel a bit separate from reality but I’m home and I know I’m safe. My cat seems to know – he’s curled up beside me.
