I have always been a worrier. If worrying was an Olympic event, I would win every single medal. Mr Worry was also my favourite book in the Little Misses and the Mr Men series, obviously because I identifed with the character! I have just spent the last four days worrying about something that won’t happen. I’ve lost sleep and shed many tears. I’ve now decided that enough is enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty in my life to be worried about but I have realised that it is totally pointless. I’ve been stressed to the max about something that isn’t going to happen. What a waste of time and energy. I’ve spent my whole life worrying about things I can’t control and things that haven’t happened. Even typing it, it looks utterly ridiculous. What a futile endeavour.
It occurs to me that what I’ve spent the last four days worrying about has also provided me with a distraction so that I wasn’t thinking (worrying) about more pressing matters, e.g. my job hunt, my lack of income, my ongoing anxiety. Even so, it’s not a particularly healthy state of affairs. No wonder I spend so much time struggling to sleep and feeling permanently knackered.
While I acknowledge that I’m not going to stop worrying overnight, I have to try and worry less. I was on Instagram and watched an IGTV that really spoke to me. Stephen Hilton (@stephen_hilton_) was talking about surrender in his series about addiction, recovery and mental health. (Find it here https://www.instagram.com/stephen_hilton_/) I spend all of my time tormenting myself in my busy monkey mind trying to control everything whereas I should really be trusting in a higher power that everything will work out and be fine because it always has been.
I have not experienced addiction personally and I am thankful for that, I do feel that there are principles from the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Steps programme that will help me with my mental health. I spend so much time inside my head, especially over the past year due to the Coronavirus pandemic. I really want it to be a nice place to spend time. I need it to be a nice place to spend time.
I’ve also realised that I’m living in the future when I worry. I can’t control what the future holds and worrying about it won’t make the slightest bit of difference. I should be living in the present and enjoying the moment. So that’s what I’m going to try and do.
