I’ve been very bad at blogging this year. At the beginning of the year I was pushing myself to apply for jobs and working through all of the triggers that reared their heads as I went along.
Since then, I’ve been working hard. Getting to know my colleagues and team mates, learning the ropes in my new job and adapting to being back in the world of work. I’m still dealing with anxiety and am still encountering situations that trigger me. I know that, like all things it’ll take time but I will get there. I’m enjoying my job, working hard and doing well. I get positive feedback from my colleagues and my manager. Funny that my bully of a manager is the only one who didn’t recognise my strengths – I haven’t changed how I approach my work or how I interact with my colleagues or anything else…
I’m still very much a work in progress when it comes to responding rather than reacting. It’s hard. When I’m triggered I go straight to that place of reaction. It is the feelings that take charge and not the rational, logical thoughts. I’m also still working on challenging my thoughts, the anxious ones do still dominate. I know I’ll get there and I know that I am making progress. Like all things, it takes time. It took years of bullying for my mental health to decline so I’m not going to bounce back overnight.
I also know that I won’t ever be the same person that I was before. I have been changed by that experience. I am working hard to recover. I am finding myself again. I allowed myself to be lost. I also know that I will never again give my power away. Never will I let anyone destroy me or my mental health again. I am strong enough now to be assertive. To make my point. To be me and to hold my boundaries. Never again will I let any bully walk all over me. I’m also much wiser now, in future when someone shows me who they are, I will believe them the first time. If someone will not respect my boundaries, they have no place in my life.
I’ve come a long way in the last few years. I’m proud of myself. It’s not always been easy but I’ve kept going. I still take my medication and will continue to do so because I need it. I make no bones about that. In time and with guidance from my doctor, I will be in a position to reduce the dose and come off it but now is not the time. I was under the care of the Community Mental Health Team but have made enough progress to be discharged back to the care of my GP. I am definitely in a better place now. It’s been a long road but worth it. 2023 will see more of the same
