It’s been a while since I’ve been the person in a relationship who was the one who wanted to continue the relationship. I have to say, it hurts like hell. Rejection always does. I’m finding this really difficult. It’s so different from my last relationship break up. I ended that relationship, I’d given all I could and for my own mental health it had to end. (Depression, my ex and me)
This time, I’d give anything for things to be different. I know deep down that the way things were wasn’t ideal but I’d rather have given it some more time and made plans to see what we could change but my ex has made up his mind. I was so happy when we decided to see each other exclusively and delete the dating app that we’d met through. To be single again feels like a failure.
My ex and I are still in contact daily and have agreed to stay friends. I love talking to him. We get on really well. I don’t want to get ‘friend zoned.’ I want us to get back together. I’m not ready to accept that it’s over. I still haven’t told anyone that we’re no longer together. I know denial is unhealthy and I know we are no longer together. I’m just not ready to let go of being in a relationship.
I think that my denial is hiding my fear that I’ll end up alone. I am fine with my own company. While I am fiercely independent, I am also a traditional girl at heart and what I really want is to get married and have children. What I am in denial about is that not happening. I don’t want to let that go.
It is also where I start to question myself. What is it about me that has resulted in me being unmarried and childless at forty? I really feel like I’ve met my soulmate. I’ve never felt anything like the connection my ex and I have. I’m terrified that I won’t find that again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m under no illusion that the relationship was perfect, it wasn’t. The mother of my ex’s child was very controlling. It impacted our relationship. He was worried that her knowing about our relationship would cause her to stop him seeing their child. I felt like I was a secret. It pissed me off. It also meant that we weren’t always able to see each other as often as we wanted to. My ex ended our relationship because he couldn’t give me the time and stability that he feels I deserve which he said is unfair on me. Right now what feels most unfair is that two people who love each other are no longer together.
Where I am not helping myself is by watching “Say Yes To The Dress.” I just can’t see myself going wedding dress shopping let alone ever having that bridal moment. I’ve also done a couple of stupid online quizzes to find out if we’ll get back together. These invariably lead to a series of emails explaining how to go about getting your ex back….provided you pay $50 for their programme. This really annoys me as it is exploiting people when they are vulnerable. Vulnerable I may be, but I will not be exploited!!
What confuses me most is that we are still very attracted to each other and he has told me once or twice that he loves me. He fairly regularly tells me that he misses me. I miss him too. We both still love each other. He said it’s the situation that has changed and not his love for me. I really don’t know what the future holds. I can’t even begin to think about dating again. I’m still grieving. I really thought that I’d found the one. Being single again hurts like hell. I really hate that it’s all over between us. I miss him but I don’t know if seeing him is helping me. It’s just left me feeling more hurt and confused. My head hurts thinking about it all.
