I’m facing a dilemma. Occupational Health are of the opinion that I am fit to return to work. I however, am not willing to return to the toxic situation that is my workplace nor the bullying manager that caused my anxiety. This is the reality that I am facing. I’m being pressured to go back to work. To go back to what very nearly broke me.
As far as my employer is concerned everything is resolved and as I am fit to return to work, I need to return to work. From my perspective, nothing is resolved. My manager has gotten away with bullying me and I have no doubt that I will have a target on my back when I return. Not only that, I now have absolutely no trust in my employer. Their anti-bullying policy isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.
I also know that my GP will not sign me back to work under the same manager. My employers have refused my request for a transfer. I just cannot bring myself to face the nasty piece of work that very nearly destroyed me. I know that I did nothing wrong. I am very angry that her lies were believed. I know that karma will visit on her what she has given out but that doesn’t make the thought of having to face her or engage with her on a daily basis any easier. I am really struggling. I can’t go back there. As well as everything else, I’m now worrying about the consequences of my GP having a different opinion to my employers doctor.
As a result, my anxiety is back with a vengeance. My nightmares are back, I have indigestion, I’m on edge. I’m jumpy. I can feel my heart racing and I’m struggling to get control. I hate being back in this dark place. I really feel like I’m fighting for my mental health and am losing the battle. I am exhausted. I have worked so hard to try and get control over my anxiety and now I feel like I’m right back at square one.
I’d love to be able to resign. I am applying for other jobs but haven’t had any joy as yet. The hangover of having been bullied has really knocked my confidence, I’ve found selling myself in job applications a challenge but I will not let her win. I know that I will succeed. I know that her bullying behaviour says everything about how she feels about herself and is not a reflection of me. I hate feeling anxious all the time. I hate feeling like I want to disappear. I hate being beholden to my employer when all I want to do is tell them to shove their job and their pointless anti-bullying policy where the sun don’t shine.
