I don’t know what I want. Actually, that’s not strictly true. I do know what I want – what I can’t have.
I want to be in a stable and secure relationship. I’d love to be married. My current status is complicated. I’m in a casual thing with a man that I am head over heels in love with. We were in a relationship for just over a year and its been casual for around two and a half.
He has a child from a previous relationship. His child’s mother is a nightmare. She is demanding and can be controlling too, she also makes unreasonable demands of him. In an ideal world he’d stand up to her and say no. Trouble is she then threatens him with not seeing their child. There is never any compromise in their co-parenting – it’s always her way or no way.
She has broken up previous relationships that he has been in. She doesn’t know about me – nobody knows about me so that she doesn’t find about me. She also seems to have eyes everywhere, he is so worried about being seen and she has said to him that he’s been seen near where I live. I am frustrated because it is so out of order. He is an adult and can go wherever he wants and whenever he wants. I’m so frustrated that its all out of my control.
My anxiety is also a big factor in all of this. I feel very insecure. I want something more. I know I need to be assertive and stand up for what I want. I need to not be scared to say what I want but my confidence is low and I don’t want to risk it. However, I am more scared of my insecurity and fear of being rejected becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know that he loves me and that we miss each other when we don’t see each other. We speak every day and message each other multiple times during the day.
I know that my previous relationship and the bullying that I experienced in my previous employment are factors in this too. I accepted a lot of crap in both of those situations. In my previous relationship I was always the one in the wrong. My ex partner would always want me to change my behaviour without taking any responsibility for his role in our problems. I’ve written about the impact of bullying on me here. My experience of workplace bullying
I’m still rebuilding my confidence and know that I have and will continue to be triggered by situations. I’m still learning about sitting with my feelings, accepting that they are only feelings be they pleasant or unpleasant and trying not to react when I’m triggered. It’s not easy but I’ll get there.
