I think I’ve figured out one of the keys to my mental health struggles and my recent recurrence of anxiety. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to have a baby.
I have absolutely no evidence as to my fertility or lack of. I’ve never tried to conceive and have always used contraception in my relationships. Read more here Maybe baby
At first I thought it might be just a delayed reaction to turning 40. I really struggled with turning 30, it just seemed such a huge milestone but I found 40 a breeze. I wondered if deep down I was doing my usual “I’m grand” but was actually in denial.
This realisation came from a tweet that I read, that caused a light bulb moment:
Although I have no idea if I can or cannot have children and I have an amazing partner with whom I have discussed having a child. I am grieving my childlessness and never realised it. It feels freeing in some ways and like a punch in the gut in others.
I’ve not given up hope. Like I say, my partner and I have discussed having a child and, all being well when the time is right, will have a healthy baby. I know at 40, time is not on my side and conceiving won’t necessarily be straightforward but I would love to be a Mum.
What I do find heartening and encouraging is hearing of women who are conceiving in their 40’s, most recently Dee Koppang (41) who is married to Dermot O’Leary.
It is not impossible and I’m open to trying different alternative and conventional therapies to encourage or boost my fertility. I also want to use alternative therapies to try and prevent me from becoming overwhelmed or obsessed with getting pregnant. I don’t want it to take over my life.
One bugbear is that (if I get pregnant) I’ll be classed as a geriatric mother. I find this medical term more insulting than I can convey in words. The ones that immediately jump to mind are expletives. It just feels so derogatory and judgemental. I know it is likely because there are increased risks as the age of the mother-to-be increases but still.
Not that my Mum has ever said anything but I know she would love to be a Granny. She’d also love to be mother-of-the-bride but that’s another story!! (Before anyone mentions that this is a leap year and I could propose. I’m a traditional girl at heart and I want to be proposed to!) In all seriousness, my Mum and Dad are brilliant parents and I know they’ll make amazing grandparents too.
In the meantime, I’ll focus on my health and keep working with my partner on our relationship so we can get to a place where we try and have a baby. Here’s hoping 2020 is our year.
