I can feel my stress levels rising. I’ve been feeling incredibly frustrated all day. I’m frustrated with Covid-19. I’m frustrated with work. I’m frustrated at how restricted my life is right now. I’m as frustrated as hell at people who do not maintain the 2 metres social distancing. One day I am going to lose my shit and rather than politely asking that they step back I am going to scream at them to stay the hell away from me.
It’s been 9 weeks since life was locked down. At this point, it feels more like 9 years. I absolutely understand why it had to happen and am fully behind it. That doesn’t mean that it hasn’t affected my emotional well-being. I’ve been very weepy this week, I’m feeling everything very deeply. Today it is presenting as frustration. I would love to be able to scream my head off. I need to express it, so I’m blogging. I’ve also eaten chocolate. It definitely helps!!
Work are asking, as they have always done, that we plan our holidays for the year to ensure that there is adequate staffing for the business to continue. I am incredibly lucky that I am classed as an essential worker and still have a job. What is annoying me is the prospect of wasting ten precious days of holiday at a time when I can go nowhere and see nobody. Ten precious days of staying at home, staring at the walls. I’d rather wait till later in the year when I’m hoping I’ll be able to go home and visit my family. I miss my family. By this stage in the year I normally have a plan of when I’ll visit, if I haven’t already been. Now I’m worrying about whether I’ll be able to go home at Christmas or whether it’ll just be me and my cat.
I’m frustrated at my lack of sleep, disturbing dreams and at feeling constantly exhausted. I’m anxious about going to bed, worried about the crazy dreams that will wake me and leave me drained for the day. At this stage, I’ve been drained for weeks.
I’m most frustrated at the lack of certainty. Here in Ireland from Monday 18th, life will slowly start to be unlocked. I am so excited at garden centres being open again. My few plants in pots has really helped my mental health (The not so reluctant gardener) and still does. I like seeing how my plants are doing, deadheading the spent flowers and watering them. I’m looking forward to my cornflowers flowering and my forget-me-not seeds becoming seedlings. They give me hope. Seeing them grow is such a joyfully normal thing at a time where everything is so far from normal.
