I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this or what I’m trying to say, but here goes.
I’m feeling anxious (nothing new there) and I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I’ve been offered a job and am waiting on approval of references. I’m delighted and nervous. I want to do my best and be successful and am trying hard not to let my past experience affect me.
I know that being bullied has affected me and probably will continue to do so as I continue to heal. I know that my mental health was very poor and that I didn’t recognise how unwell I was. I’m not blaming myself and I now am better at recognising when things i.e. my mental health are slipping. My work performance did suffer but that does not excuse the campaign of humiliation that I was subjected to that led to a further decline in my mental health nor the character assassination that was called an investigation report. I know that this is very triggering to me but I also know that not all managers are bullies. I am a capable and confident worker – this something that my new employers recognised during my interview. That is who I am. It’ll take time to fully recover from bullying and that’s okay. I’m willing to keep on putting the work in with regards to healing and having the chance to prove to myself that I am not who my last manager made me out to be. That is their version of me, not who I actually am.
I’m also very anxious about change. The guy I am seeing is changing jobs to shift work so I won’t see him as often. I rely on him a lot and he has been so supportive to me. I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. He’s changed jobs before and we’ve still seen each other so I don’t know what is different this time? This time I feel terrified of losing him and there’s no rational basis for this. All he’s doing is starting a new job, something that I’ll be doing too very shortly. He’s always made time to see me in the past and has said he’ll see me when he can going forward. I have no reason to doubt him, he’s always been honest with me so why do I still feel so anxious?
This could all be because I don’t feel like I have control over what’s happening. My anxiety definitely goes in to overdrive when I don’t feel in control which makes me want to control everything even more strongly! I am trying hard to let things just happen and trying to trust that it’ll all work out but it’s a battle that my anxiety is trying to win.
Another issue is that I have plenty of time to spend inside my head which is not always a good thing. Having a job and being back working will give me other things to think about and help me put things in perspective. I definitely overanalyse everything which is to my detriment. Having a variety of different challenges and new things to learn will benefit me enormously. Hopefully it all means that I’m heading onwards and upwards.
