I’ve had a set back and I’m struggling. I desperately don’t want to go back to the very dark place I found myself in last year. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge though.
I’m recovering from a (stress induced) migraine. Even though I felt awful, I had a very obvious feeling of relief that I didn’t have to deal with work or more specifically, my manager. It set alarm bells ringing loudly. Whilst I tried to ignore the upcoming video call meeting with my manager, keeping myself busy and trying to make headway on my to do list, there was a lingering feeling of anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. This wasn’t helped by the heavy, grey, dull weather. End result – migraine.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m still reeling from being “ambushed” a couple of weeks ago. I just can’t comprehend how anyone feels that it is an appropriate way to raise an issue with someone, let alone someone who has struggled with their mental health in the very recent past. There was no concern expressed about my mental health or how I was doing, it went straight to how “concerning” it was that my work has slipped. The fact that this also happened in my own home really makes me angry. There’s no way I’d let anyone talk to me like that in my own home under normal circumstances. These are not normal circumstances.
I’ve realised that I just do not trust my manager. I cannot even begin to think about talking to someone I don’t trust about something as personal and sensitive as my mental health. I know that I need to be assertive and stand up for myself but I find that so difficult when all I can think about is how I’ve been triggered back to that awful day in December 2018 when all this shit first kicked off.
I know that I am better than this. I know that I deserve better than this. I also know that I’m human and I’m struggling. My mental health has slipped. While I’m finding it impossible to reduce my anxiety, I have decided that I can control what action I take. I need to get this sorted once and for all. My mental wellbeing is my priority. Step one was linking with GP and counselling. Step two is seeking a follow up appointment with Occupational Health. After that, I’ll feel better able to make a decision about what to do next.
